Monday, December 24, 2007

all this porn has gotten me to thinking

am i fuckable? i wonder. merry christmas.

last nite was not for lovemaking; it was for cheap mexican

in a big strip center. in a big country. i had a burrito thing. and a beer. the beer cost more than the food. and that's even with the extra 60 cents for "higher quality" beef. everything cost less than $8. what more do you want?

today saw the last of the candy treat that tim's wife gave me

i finished it.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

no, wait

we did move. never mind about moving back. and this time, it's personal.

i moved back

okay. alright.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

we're moving

and i assure you i have nothing to do with it. if it were up to me i would never move. not from this house. not from this room. not from this chair. but things happen. and people move. and in two days i'm one of those people.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


i have a new chair.

ok what on earth is that?

i just dropped off a letter in one of those blue post-office boxes and when i pushed it in, it pushed pack. visual inspection revealed the entire box was completely entirely and totally filled with mail. there were letters literally trying to climb back out of the box. mine wants to stay in. i hope.

i didn't like that last post very much

i'm going to do another one.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

i have to go drive somewhere now

this is truly getting ridiculous. tomorrow i may work. again...

Saturday, December 8, 2007

maybe i'm just tired

or maybe the rest of the world has just gotten too much sleep today. i'm not sure.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

i have to tell you

i just ate a pita chip. a stacy's pita chip. it was delicious. i'm still thinking about it now. then i might go outside for a walk down the street. the dogs will bark. but let them. let them.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

this week jane took more attention than me

she must die.

actually now i'm not so sure

if i still have to get that license. i'm just not exactly sure. not exactly.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

i have to get a new driver's license

does that make me illegal?

Monday, November 5, 2007

i can't tell if i'm hungry or i'm dying

what if it's both? only one way to find out.

i just vacuumed the floor

i don't normally do that. but i have been having allergy problems and i thought it might help if i removed some of the dust from my environment. i'm not sure exactly how much dust i removed. in fact, i may have actually created more dust than was there before. when i had to take apart the vacuum because i sucked something in i wasn't supposed to. and there was this big cloud of dust. and it turns out the thing i rescued was totally stupid and i would have done myself a favor if i had just let sucked things stay sucked. i'm not good with other people's appliances. and now i have to sneeze. i wonder how many claritins it takes to kill a small animal.

oprah winfrey just called me to apologize

i have no idea what for, but i told her i understood. and that everything would be ok, as long as she didn't call me any more.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

here, here's a post for you

now fuck off.

Monday, October 29, 2007

ok i am just sitting right here

i just had a diet hot chocolate from swiss miss (nestle; pr: nestlay). it was the worst hot chocolate i've had in recent memory. 25 cal/serving. and horrible. the sugar-free swiss miss at 50 cal/serving (no marshmallows), on the other hand, is too good to be true. but i don't care. tell me lies. tell me sweet little lies, nestle.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

you may have noticed i'm not posting as much lately

well i don't see you posting anything either.

today i almost worked some

but fortunately i saw sense.

P.S. I drove somewhere.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

today started out ok then it totally sucked then it got a little better

so i thought i'd let you know. i hope it stays good from now on till tomorrow.

yesterday i drove somewhere

it was ok. but i hope it doesn't become a habit.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

my computer broke again

it's not your fault.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

hey guess what

i just drank so much coffee i started to cry.

oh my god i


Wednesday, October 10, 2007

a tragedy

it's been minutes, since i have received any email. and this isn't the first time either. i'm beginning to have thoughts.

the good news is here

there were some ants on my kitchen counter top. but i didn't care. i just went ahead and ate all the cookies anyway. the way i see it, it's their problem. not mine.

Monday, October 8, 2007

yesterday i almost provoked a smile

i told you i was cool. an "almost smile" is always more interesting.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

today i bought two things, two things i didn't want to buy

but that was earlier. i would have posted but i forgot. actually i didn't forget. i just didn't post. all day i felt like i was in another country. which is maybe why i didn't post. but now i am home and i feel i'm at home. i have made a drink of old vodka, old white wine, and orange juice. it's very bad.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

my girlfriend is in the shower

so i was able to steal away and make this post. stay tuned. she may do it again. i won't. until i have no choice.

Monday, October 1, 2007

i got a uniform today

with my name on it. when buying a new uniform, the important thing is to buy the right one. my old one was no good. people who buy uniforms should not be asking questions.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

yesterday i almost provoked a snake

i told you i was cool. it had neurotoxins!

Saturday, September 29, 2007

i wonder if there will be anything good on tv tonight?

i hope not.

today it rained on me

tomorrow i hope it will rain on you.

Friday, September 28, 2007

wow i had an idea today

it happened some time earlier today. i think it was while i was driving home in the car. or maybe it was when i left home. but it could also have been when i was not at home but outside of the car too. i'm not sure exactly really. i can't remember it either. this idea i definitely had. but you can still ask me what it was if you want. it's only fair.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

my drinking is totally interfering with this blog

they're duking it out. seems like.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

just got back from the dentist's

routine checkup. nothing special. i was on my best behavior. i was polite. and only 15 minutes late.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

i just had a hot chocolate

it's totally too late.

Monday, September 24, 2007

this blog is totally interfering with my drinking

i've got to go down there and do it. and yet i'm still sitting up here. not doing it. this sucks.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

it happened again tonite

pint of porter. double gin. i couldn't decide. so i din't. (this post brought to you by barclay's)

i have to remember to remember

that my life is much more interesting to you than it is to me. i'm used to it. so to me, it's really not such a huge deal. but the rest of you must all be entirely fascinated by my ongoings. if it was up to me i would just go about my day and not think anything of it. but the rest of you need me. and i don't want to let you down. i just bought a new mouse!

Saturday, September 22, 2007

i just mailed it

i just did it. i walked it to the nearest blue box and dropped it in. ok, so while i was there this kid was peeling around in the parking lot of the supermarket in his red jeep 4 x 4, scaring everyone and generally giving young boys a bad name.

i went to the post office

but it was closed. god dammit. but it's more complicated than just that. i got there at 2:10. and they closed at 2:00. i should have been extra annoyed because of that. but i wasn't. i was the same annoyed. but there's more. i had forgotten that now with modern progress and everything they now have a computer thing that lets you weigh your mail and calculate how many stamps you have to put. and you can even get to this computer thing when the main post office is closed. isn't that considerate of them? it's it's attached to the wall and probably has no street value. i'm surprised someone hasn't tried to steal it. so i used the machine and went home and put the right amount of stamps on my mail. i still haven't mailed it. tell you if i do.

some people have a chip on the shoulder

i have a chip on my chest. right now. there is a chip, on my chest.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

i shoved a cell phone down my pants

just now. i did this just now!

computer fixed

some times things happen fast.

computer died

i don't know why.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

it's finished now

it was lame.

Monday, September 17, 2007

today was lame

and it's not even finished.@!

why don’t you mash someone your own size

my outlook express just told me it wanted to compress all my emails. what the hell does that mean? i said no.

people are dying all around

i'm not. i'm fine, actually. thanks for wondering. so unless something entirely unexpected happens, i'll be back later tonight and post something.

oh my god i am so tired

there is just no fuckin' way i can post right now. now way.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

i just stuffed a wad of plastic in my mouth

ask me why.

today i will be honest

please be patient.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

I just got hit with a bill for $3,256

it's ok though, cause i'm going to hit back.

got a package today

i sure would like to know what's in it. wouldn't we all. wouldn't we all.

thinking of getting some crest white strips.

but I just can’t decide.

my dad brews weak coffee.

he used to make it too strong, but we all ganged up on him. now he makes it too weak.

Friday, September 14, 2007

new fears about plastic containers

my friend says it's bad if you microwave you leftover wolfgang puck soups in those little so-called disposable plastic containers. i don't care.

it just occurred to me

i may be leaving the house again today. nothing is certain. is anything ever? but a friend of mine whom i presume has exhausted her other option, has informed me we are going to dinner. i have three choices. japanese, korean, and korean. which shall it be?

there are certain people who are trying

to stifle me. i won't name names. but they know who they are. they know. or maybe they don't know. they should call me. i'll tell them. who they are. and what to not do.

today went pretty much as i expected

i could have pretty much predicted everything that ended up happening today. with one glaring exception. there was one thing that happened today that stood out. no, you know what. what i was going to say. actually, i could have predicted that might happen too. so never mind.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

my stomach just told me it wanted pizza

back in a few.

oh my god i totally can't remember if i ate lunch already?

maybe it's because i'm so hungry that i'm light headed. but maybe it's something else. some other reason. i've had seven strawberries today i know that much.

update on the friend who is eating only marshmallows

she says she is still alive. so i guess she is. so far she's been pretty accurate about that. she also has eaten a turnip. she says. more updates as they come in.

my alarm clock is totally going off

this sucks. some would say it's only five feet away, why don't you get up and turn it off? some would say that.

awake again how exciting

i pinch myself.

well it hasn't yet

they said it was going to rain. two friends said it was going to rain. and so did the news. but it hasn't. nobody knows shit. that much is apparent.

I'm not tired

i guess it was a passing thing. sometimes this happens.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I'm tired

i have no idea why either. no idea. can't think of anything. i had some lentils?

my parents just asked me what the pill i keep on the desk beside the computer is

i told them it was cyanide. and they better not come any closer.

i have a friend

she's from the internet. she just told me she ate strawberry marshmallows for lunch. awesome!

I'm up

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

i forgot to mention about lunch

oh my god. i tried this new ethnic gourmet (real up and comer brand) frozen entree for lunch today. it was bad. it was very bad. if you're ever at a Kroger's and see a frozen entree called "butternut squash ravioli" that has a side of "mini broccoli florets," just keep walking.

ok i didn't die

from the trees falling all around outside my window. however i did have another almost-catastrophe. earlier today i nibbled off a tiny bit of fingernail and flick'd it and it went right into my eye! can you believe it? right in my eye! fortunately i had the sense to not blink and popped over to the sink for a little splashy splash. anyway we're good now.

what are you doing to celebrate 9/11?

i'm having an open-faced tuna melt. ok, that's not true. i'm just having some leftover beluga caviar and champagne. then i will round out my celebration with a walk to the post office to return a netflix video. i always take my mail to the post-office because i don't trust the mail carriers anymore after 9/11.

i swear to god

a giant mass of god's finest (tree) is going to come crashing through my window and/or roof at any moment. i can't leave though, and go somewhere safer, or even perhaps, not right next to the window, because when it does happen, i have to be here to report.

ok don't even ask me what is going on outside my window

this is ridiculous. the people next door to me have a real orange tree. an orange tree? right in the middle of the city. ok, that's pretty cool. but that isn't the problem. it's the pine trees right next to the orange tree. apparently they had to receive a trim, and this had to begin at approximately 8 am on a Tuesday, which is approximately not when i am supposed to be awake and posting a blog entry. this is why i waited until now to post. i had to calm down. they are still going too for crying out loud. i'll let you know.

Monday, September 10, 2007

dinner was ok

which is more than i can say for the TV selection. god. so bad. why do i even watch it? oh by the way, i had a gin and tonic. double. half a lime was involved. it's 11 o'clock but it feels like 11:30.


i'm going to get it!

I had a delicious wine last night

it really was. oh, wait. that was the night before last night. shit. last night it was back to gin. then i passed out really early. that's right. the gin didn't even have time to settle. damn. i probably should have mentioned all this in a post yesterday. that would help keep it all straight. i should probably say what i'm going to do tonight right now so in case i forget to post it later tonight, i can refer back to this post, right? i think so.

something strange happened after lunch

had some coffee. and then instead of just one hershey's kiss to go with it, i had two! two kisses! i thought it might shake things up a bit. actually everything kinda feels the same. oh well. anyway, tomorrow i might go across the street. i'll let you know.

lunch was great

i'd like to thank all of you for voting today on my breakfast and lunch. i did have that egg for breakfast. then coffee. for lunch i had pasta and the sauce from the other night. i wanted to see what happened with brittney last night at the VMA's but instead i had to watch some general drone on about the war. my god, enough. this war is really starting to annoy me. all i have to say is it better be over before the grammy's.

oh my god i think i just killed someone

oop, no i didn't. false alarm.

ok i'm up

heading downstairs now.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

they still didn’t pick up

maybe my friend got really mad at something and smashed his phone on some rocks.

i called and left a message

on my friend's cell phone. ok, i didn't leave a message. i just called, and then hung up on the voice mail. but i think this totally counts as a returned call.

i may leave the house today

and go to a friend’s house. my friend’s baby is small and cute and squeals. I just call her baby because i have no idea what her name is. so far i’ve gotten away with it. so anyway the thing she does which I like best is she flops down on her back on the carpet with their small dog and they wriggle around in synchronized ecstasy. it makes me happy to think of it.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

everything will be ok

i’m spelling it "ok" and not "okay" like i used to do. that’s because someone told me that’s how it should be spelled. the reason i'm making such a fuss about this is because it represents a new stage in my life where i do whatever anyone else tells me.

holy shit i forgot about the sauce

it’s your fault. i’ve been up here all day posting messages and now the sauce is probably burned. dammit. anyway, you see, this is what happens when you do things. i better wrap up this post and head down there. if you listen carefully, you might even hear a scream, depending on exactly where you live. wait. quiet. listen. hear anything? that's because i haven't gone down there yet. i'm still here, you dummy. how else could i be typing this? ok, now listen.

I just realized I’m addicted to everything

Once I start doing something, anything, I don’t want to stop.

this is actually not the honey that was used in the lamb cooking process. this is honey from a different era.

Friday, September 7, 2007

the lamb turned out fine

but i would now like to mention that my car air conditioning smells really bad. it's mold. i know it's mold. this summer is taking forever. mold.

ok I'm doing it

I'm cooking that lamb roast.

I will cook a lamb roast

i don't know why. jesus.

It's friday again isn't it?

it was Friday last week too.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

I have a wrinkled pepper

In my fridge, there is one of those beautiful peppers, you know the kind that are orange or yellow and cost way more than the green ones? It’s because they have to be individually sneaked in from Europe. Homeland security does not want bright colored peppers in our country. And this makes them cost more. Oh right, so mine got wrinkled. It’s because I always buy them. Cause they’re so shiny and cool. But I have no idea what to do with it, so I just look at it. But now it’s all wrinkled. I have to go to the store now, and get a new one.

click here if you would like to know what really happened to that pepper.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

what they don’t want you to know...

sometimes i suddenly realize how stupid cable news is and just flip it off. then i turn it back on.

I started watching a movie

but then i fell asleep. it was on the couch. i don't know what to tell you. it just happened. then it started raining like fuck. that damn gutter rattling, like a million little kids throwing a million little pebbles. that got me up. piece a pizza. more coffee. it's alright.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

listen, i am totally fine

society is the problem. it would be a perfect day if society wasn't causing me all this trouble.

today has been ok so far

some good emails flying around. some to me, some from me. i only care about the ones to me.

last nite i was so good

i didn't drink anything at all, until nine o'clock.

so far today i have done very little

but that could change at any moment.

Monday, September 3, 2007

i just peed in a cup, seriously

i'm not even going to explain. i'm just not.

perhaps they are related.

my parents asked me what happened to their bottle of gin. i asked myself what i am doing living with my parents.

ok so get this

i live next to an IKEA.

i've been listening to NPR

for at least ten minutes on this internet stream and so far i don't think there has been any effect. i'm going downstairs. and then i might go outside and look around.

i'm tired of revising

from now on i'm going to think for ten seconds before i type anything.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

last nite i did it again

i drank way too much. it's not my fault though. my tolerance is so high, for some reason, that i have to drink about a bottle of something before i forget even my first layer of problems. it was really bad. the wine i mean, was terrible. and i felt sick in my stomach and head. but it's ok though because i just took a pill and fell asleep.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

i actually did do something today

i had a nice conversation with someone using the telephone.

Friday, August 31, 2007

what is it, friday?

today is the day that diana died. well not exactly today, but on this day ten years ago, she died. that's at least according to larry king, foxnews, and MSNBC was showing "to catch a predator." anyway, diana led a very important life and it seems only proper we should all watch a one hour special celebrating it.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

it's been a long time since my last post

all day.

i woke up today

it was alright. read some paper. coffee. little cereal. one raspberry. good to go.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

just had dinner and it was better

after last night's fiasco i realized tonight it might be better to have a smaller dinner. salmon, cheese, bread and no alcohol. i'm not going to lie to you. it was tough. but i managed to do it. and i already feel better. i'll let you know how the rest of the evening goes. check back.

thank you all for reading this blog post.

let me be very clear in stating that the things you have been hearing about me are not exactly true. now that i've had a chance to meet with my lawyer i realize that some of the things which i may have admitted to before were the result of honest misunderstanding. i want you all to know how much i appreciate your interest and concern. i have always done my best to keep you informed and i will continue to value the open and sincere relationship we share. i will provide a written transcript of my statement here. and i'm not gay.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

o my god i just ate a ton

and now i have heartburn. big time. dammit. this always happens. why do i do it? because it tasted so good. that's why. ok it didn't taste that good. dammit. whatever. i'll be dead eventually.

i am so hungry

i had some triscuits and a little parmi. (normally i prefer cheddar for triscuits but we didn't have any.) so i had those and then came back to the computer. now i'm starting to start to see stars. maybe i should eat more. i wonder what bill o'reilly ate today? every day is easter when you're bill o'reilly.

o shit i meant to tell you

i did get that check mailed i said i was going to mail. drive through post box. it wasn't the kind that looks like a droid though. it was the regular kind.

i have done very little today

i had some breakfast (bit of toast). coffee. went on the internet. watched some TV. had a breakfast bar. had another energy bar. coffee. more internet. and now this post. this is a fairly busy day for me.

Monday, August 27, 2007

o my god i totally forgot

what i was going to post here. i had something in my mind. and by god i started checking email. then had to change my mp3 selection. and before long, wouldn't you know it? yes. i forgot what i was going to say here. still, i should probably post.

ok i'm back upstairs

after dinner. and some awful TV, now i'm back. upstairs.

ok i was right

it is raining. this is ridiculous.

i swear to god

it looks like it's going to rain again. i am so sick of this. wait. i'm going to the window.

i’m still sitting here

i'm right now sitting here at the computer. it's pretty much the same thing i was doing five minutes ago for my last post. but this time the song has changed. the song i'm listening to i mean. it's an mp3.

i just made a phonecall

it was lame.