Saturday, August 11, 2012
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Friday, February 6, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
cold bacon decided he had to move. before the storm. the storm was coming. and he had to do it. it was beyond anyone's capacity to--wait, a song:
Why are you so near to me?
For they will come after us.
This other one
Who came very close
Caused me to boil.
It would be better if you
Got farther away.
And what is your name?
I'm going to be sleeping here on a bed.
I asked her,
"Where are you going?"
She answered me, saying,
"I go deep into the eastern forest."
That is what she told me.
By the way,
Another truth is that a stone can talk!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Monday, November 24, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
which cold bacon did not answer. it's been a long weekend. and especially a long night. it was like he was young again, except he wasn't. and so there is much headache, and confusion and probably lead too, but in places i don't know about, so maybe it doesn't really matter anyway. and there is fear, great fear over the state of things, especially the things cold bacon has to do today, or at least, this week, maybe, someday. surely by winter. anyway it's all bad. and it's not going away and it's not getting better and fuck if cold bacon is going to answer the god damn door this morning. no, really.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
when cold bacon does not receive the proper amount of emails in any given few minutes. it is during those times that cold bacon sometimes takes his sweet leave from the email place, and goes to another place where he lies down on a large white pillow. after a period of about two hours, he arises, and goes to the bathroom, as fate would and does seem to every time now, have it. then, at this point, he is ready. a small angel begins playing clarinet in the key of c minor. and his return is afoot. he enters the room. more clarinets. he walks over to the email place. he plops down. in the big beige chair. and behold, as if someone had magically sent them, emails, dozens upon dozens of emails, waiting. just waiting. each and every one of them delightful. sent and received quite naturally. and not because of threats issued. or warnings. or any manner of tricks used in the establishment of fear and anxiety. and subsequent action. we are all on the white pillow now. we shall all soon forget everything. today is all of our birthday.
you people are terrible. my god. he would never do that. speak of people in terms of this flavor or that flavor. go through phases where one flavor seemed better than another, and form opinions, and generate small semi-interesting anecdotes, which could then be told, to whomever or whatever was on the other end, at some later time when everything had, well, blown over, so-to-say, generationally. and such histories would now be simply called things like honest or refreshing and not lascivious or disturbed or creepy or crawly or two-fingered pete and his toe thing, and stuff like that. no. he would never do that. when cold bacon says he had too much of that brown sugar, he means he had too much of that brown sugar. and that is ALL he means.
Friday, October 3, 2008
the other day cold bacon looked down at the usual place for the box that is for receiving mail. instead of the box, what he saw was a large orange pumpkin. the box for the mail was now behind the pumpkin. it is with no particular feeling either way on the matter that i report all of this to you, but as this is what happened, i thought it best to simply give you the facts and let you have your own reaction, whatever it may be. let me recap. there is a large pumpkin next to the brown, wooden door, or i should say in between the two brown wooden doors, each belonging to one set of tenants, or tenant, as is the case for cold bacon because there is only one of him and several of them. all of this is happening on the old red porch. once again, it is behind the pumpkin where one would find a small wooden box, which may or may not have anything in it; i don't really care, as it would more likely be cold bacon's mail and not mine anyway. surely i have mentioned cold bacon's neighbors are in possession of a small daughter who is at least five and probably six, not that i much care as this is the daughter of cold bacon's neighbors and not my own neighbor's daughter, about whose age i care deeply. one more time, just to be clear. large pumpkin. small wooden box. daughter. recent hurricaine. much debris.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
cold bacon did not collect the mail from three days ago. it's still sitting there in the box. but since that time two days have passed and no further things have appeared in the box. cold bacon will wait until there is more in the box.
Friday, July 18, 2008
cold bacon collected the mail this morning. the mail from yesterday. in the small wooden box, which had been happily placed on the ground by the door just a few months before. the box is really nothing special at all, not even stained or varnished or anything. just a little five-dollar box from an office supply store. it was only meant to be temporary, but as happens so often, there comes a point at which one can no longer deny that the first draft is indeed the last, especially with mailboxes. not far from all of this not-so-important still life, lives a little gecko lizard who makes regular appearances on the steps leading up to the porch, which serve as his off-stage waiting place. this is where he goes over his lines, meets with admirers and does all those things which a gecko does when he is in between acts.
if people knew what cold bacon, supposedly the bringer of happiness, had gone through, the anguish and tragedy he had to overcome to manage to capture that light which has never left him, if people knew all that, they would also realize that this happiness, this light, this dispassionate wisdom which seems to be his, are sometimes well-deserved, given the severity of his trials.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
i regret to inform you all that cold bacon is dead. well, actually regret is probably not the right word. let us just say i am informing you that cold bacon, the person who previously wrote this blog, is dead. this means he will no longer be writing any more entries. but blogs must go on, apparently. someone must continue to post entries and that task has fallen onto me. why? because i am the one who killed him. of course, he had it coming. he should have known better than to punch people in the face. at least not in texas, where concealed handguns are the norm. and since i am normal, i had to shoot him. i won't go into any detail, but actually it wasn't any kind of sudden bang-bang-done type of thing, like you've probably already assumed. unlike most of the people i shoot, who die quickly and obligingly, this was pretty drawn out and awful. it took several shots for him to even start dying. of course it was all his fault. he kept jumping around, trying to avoid his fate, like some ancient Greek idiot. so i kept hitting him in non-vital places. i just kept shooting and shooting. blood spewing out everywhere. left arm, both shoulders, couple in the stomach. anyway, as he lay dying, he said what i did was understandable if cruel, and that he felt the least i could do would be to continue his blog. he said something like "i might be dead, but the blog, the blog must live on." then something about vladimir putin. then pushkin. or maybe he was saying pushcarts. i'm not sure. then silence. anyway, i respect the part i understood, of his mumblings, the part about blogs. or wait, was he saying dogs? the dogs must go on? anyway, just in case he was saying the blog must go on, i'll give it a go, at least until i can find someone else to take over. i will do my best to maintain the spirit of the blog. in that vein, i will be writing about him, as if he were still alive and kicking. perhaps it will be as though he is even more alive than before! but it will be in the third person. the troggs? but they haven't played a concert in forever? whatever.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
and this time, it was personal. and i got three packs of weather stripping. consider me stripped.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 12:02 AM
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
Friday, February 29, 2008
that i could not open the window in question. well then also for the sake of argument, i would have to declare a certain room off limits. off limits to me at least. that is what would happen, for the sake of argument.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 1:53 PM
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
he just left. and will send the bill to someone else. i always knew that someday i really would finally be grounded. completely and totally grounded. and now for something completely next, carpet cleaning. does anyone know a good service? i do.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Friday, February 1, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
people probably need more regular updates about me. i have a feeling people are beginning to wonder what is happening during the intervals between posts. i have not received any formal request in this regard. but yet i remain confident. people are doing their best to contain, their greatest curiosities and wonderment. i will try to think of a way to meet that need. it is all i can do.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Monday, December 24, 2007
in a big strip center. in a big country. i had a burrito thing. and a beer. the beer cost more than the food. and that's even with the extra 60 cents for "higher quality" beef. everything cost less than $8. what more do you want?
i finished it.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
and i assure you i have nothing to do with it. if it were up to me i would never move. not from this house. not from this room. not from this chair. but things happen. and people move. and in two days i'm one of those people.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
i just dropped off a letter in one of those blue post-office boxes and when i pushed it in, it pushed pack. visual inspection revealed the entire box was completely entirely and totally filled with mail. there were letters literally trying to climb back out of the box. mine wants to stay in. i hope.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
i don't normally do that. but i have been having allergy problems and i thought it might help if i removed some of the dust from my environment. i'm not sure exactly how much dust i removed. in fact, i may have actually created more dust than was there before. when i had to take apart the vacuum because i sucked something in i wasn't supposed to. and there was this big cloud of dust. and it turns out the thing i rescued was totally stupid and i would have done myself a favor if i had just let sucked things stay sucked. i'm not good with other people's appliances. and now i have to sneeze. i wonder how many claritins it takes to kill a small animal.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 1:41 PM
Monday, October 29, 2007
i just had a diet hot chocolate from swiss miss (nestle; pr: nestlay). it was the worst hot chocolate i've had in recent memory. 25 cal/serving. and horrible. the sugar-free swiss miss at 50 cal/serving (no marshmallows), on the other hand, is too good to be true. but i don't care. tell me lies. tell me sweet little lies, nestle.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
well i don't see you posting anything either.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 8:41 PM
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
so i thought i'd let you know. i hope it stays good from now on till tomorrow.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 4:08 PM
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
Thursday, October 4, 2007
but that was earlier. i would have posted but i forgot. actually i didn't forget. i just didn't post. all day i felt like i was in another country. which is maybe why i didn't post. but now i am home and i feel i'm at home. i have made a drink of old vodka, old white wine, and orange juice. it's very bad.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 11:18 PM
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
i hope not.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 7:28 PM
Friday, September 28, 2007
it happened some time earlier today. i think it was while i was driving home in the car. or maybe it was when i left home. but it could also have been when i was not at home but outside of the car too. i'm not sure exactly really. i can't remember it either. this idea i definitely had. but you can still ask me what it was if you want. it's only fair.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 9:54 PM
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
that my life is much more interesting to you than it is to me. i'm used to it. so to me, it's really not such a huge deal. but the rest of you must all be entirely fascinated by my ongoings. if it was up to me i would just go about my day and not think anything of it. but the rest of you need me. and i don't want to let you down. i just bought a new mouse!
Posted by Cold Bacon at 11:41 AM
Saturday, September 22, 2007
but it was closed. god dammit. but it's more complicated than just that. i got there at 2:10. and they closed at 2:00. i should have been extra annoyed because of that. but i wasn't. i was the same annoyed. but there's more. i had forgotten that now with modern progress and everything they now have a computer thing that lets you weigh your mail and calculate how many stamps you have to put. and you can even get to this computer thing when the main post office is closed. isn't that considerate of them? it's it's attached to the wall and probably has no street value. i'm surprised someone hasn't tried to steal it. so i used the machine and went home and put the right amount of stamps on my mail. i still haven't mailed it. tell you if i do.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 5:04 PM
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
i may be leaving the house again today. nothing is certain. is anything ever? but a friend of mine whom i presume has exhausted her other option, has informed me we are going to dinner. i have three choices. japanese, korean, and korean. which shall it be?
Posted by Cold Bacon at 12:57 PM
i could have pretty much predicted everything that ended up happening today. with one glaring exception. there was one thing that happened today that stood out. no, you know what. what i was going to say. actually, i could have predicted that might happen too. so never mind.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 1:17 AM
Thursday, September 13, 2007
maybe it's because i'm so hungry that i'm light headed. but maybe it's something else. some other reason. i've had seven strawberries today i know that much.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 1:17 PM
Posted by Cold Bacon at 12:03 PM
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
i told them it was cyanide. and they better not come any closer.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 7:18 PM
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
oh my god. i tried this new ethnic gourmet (real up and comer brand) frozen entree for lunch today. it was bad. it was very bad. if you're ever at a Kroger's and see a frozen entree called "butternut squash ravioli" that has a side of "mini broccoli florets," just keep walking.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 9:42 PM
from the trees falling all around outside my window. however i did have another almost-catastrophe. earlier today i nibbled off a tiny bit of fingernail and flick'd it and it went right into my eye! can you believe it? right in my eye! fortunately i had the sense to not blink and popped over to the sink for a little splashy splash. anyway we're good now.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 4:25 PM
i'm having an open-faced tuna melt. ok, that's not true. i'm just having some leftover beluga caviar and champagne. then i will round out my celebration with a walk to the post office to return a netflix video. i always take my mail to the post-office because i don't trust the mail carriers anymore after 9/11.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 1:04 PM
a giant mass of god's finest (tree) is going to come crashing through my window and/or roof at any moment. i can't leave though, and go somewhere safer, or even perhaps, not right next to the window, because when it does happen, i have to be here to report.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 12:03 PM
this is ridiculous. the people next door to me have a real orange tree. an orange tree? right in the middle of the city. ok, that's pretty cool. but that isn't the problem. it's the pine trees right next to the orange tree. apparently they had to receive a trim, and this had to begin at approximately 8 am on a Tuesday, which is approximately not when i am supposed to be awake and posting a blog entry. this is why i waited until now to post. i had to calm down. they are still going too for crying out loud. i'll let you know.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 11:06 AM
Monday, September 10, 2007
it really was. oh, wait. that was the night before last night. shit. last night it was back to gin. then i passed out really early. that's right. the gin didn't even have time to settle. damn. i probably should have mentioned all this in a post yesterday. that would help keep it all straight. i should probably say what i'm going to do tonight right now so in case i forget to post it later tonight, i can refer back to this post, right? i think so.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 5:47 PM
had some coffee. and then instead of just one hershey's kiss to go with it, i had two! two kisses! i thought it might shake things up a bit. actually everything kinda feels the same. oh well. anyway, tomorrow i might go across the street. i'll let you know.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 2:46 PM
i'd like to thank all of you for voting today on my breakfast and lunch. i did have that egg for breakfast. then coffee. for lunch i had pasta and the sauce from the other night. i wanted to see what happened with brittney last night at the VMA's but instead i had to watch some general drone on about the war. my god, enough. this war is really starting to annoy me. all i have to say is it better be over before the grammy's.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
and go to a friend’s house. my friend’s baby is small and cute and squeals. I just call her baby because i have no idea what her name is. so far i’ve gotten away with it. so anyway the thing she does which I like best is she flops down on her back on the carpet with their small dog and they wriggle around in synchronized ecstasy. it makes me happy to think of it.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 12:29 PM
Saturday, September 8, 2007
i’m spelling it "ok" and not "okay" like i used to do. that’s because someone told me that’s how it should be spelled. the reason i'm making such a fuss about this is because it represents a new stage in my life where i do whatever anyone else tells me.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 7:06 PM
it’s your fault. i’ve been up here all day posting messages and now the sauce is probably burned. dammit. anyway, you see, this is what happens when you do things. i better wrap up this post and head down there. if you listen carefully, you might even hear a scream, depending on exactly where you live. wait. quiet. listen. hear anything? that's because i haven't gone down there yet. i'm still here, you dummy. how else could i be typing this? ok, now listen.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 6:55 PM
Friday, September 7, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
In my fridge, there is one of those beautiful peppers, you know the kind that are orange or yellow and cost way more than the green ones? It’s because they have to be individually sneaked in from Europe. Homeland security does not want bright colored peppers in our country. And this makes them cost more. Oh right, so mine got wrinkled. It’s because I always buy them. Cause they’re so shiny and cool. But I have no idea what to do with it, so I just look at it. But now it’s all wrinkled. I have to go to the store now, and get a new one.
click here if you would like to know what really happened to that pepper.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 2:11 PM
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
but then i fell asleep. it was on the couch. i don't know what to tell you. it just happened. then it started raining like fuck. that damn gutter rattling, like a million little kids throwing a million little pebbles. that got me up. piece a pizza. more coffee. it's alright.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 3:32 PM
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Monday, September 3, 2007
Sunday, September 2, 2007
i drank way too much. it's not my fault though. my tolerance is so high, for some reason, that i have to drink about a bottle of something before i forget even my first layer of problems. it was really bad. the wine i mean, was terrible. and i felt sick in my stomach and head. but it's ok though because i just took a pill and fell asleep.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 7:14 PM
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Friday, August 31, 2007
today is the day that diana died. well not exactly today, but on this day ten years ago, she died. that's at least according to larry king, foxnews, and MSNBC was showing "to catch a predator." anyway, diana led a very important life and it seems only proper we should all watch a one hour special celebrating it.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 8:43 PM
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
after last night's fiasco i realized tonight it might be better to have a smaller dinner. salmon, cheese, bread and no alcohol. i'm not going to lie to you. it was tough. but i managed to do it. and i already feel better. i'll let you know how the rest of the evening goes. check back.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 8:17 PM
let me be very clear in stating that the things you have been hearing about me are not exactly true. now that i've had a chance to meet with my lawyer i realize that some of the things which i may have admitted to before were the result of honest misunderstanding. i want you all to know how much i appreciate your interest and concern. i have always done my best to keep you informed and i will continue to value the open and sincere relationship we share. i will provide a written transcript of my statement here. and i'm not gay.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 2:05 AM
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
i had some triscuits and a little parmi. (normally i prefer cheddar for triscuits but we didn't have any.) so i had those and then came back to the computer. now i'm starting to start to see stars. maybe i should eat more. i wonder what bill o'reilly ate today? every day is easter when you're bill o'reilly.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 8:02 PM
Monday, August 27, 2007
what i was going to post here. i had something in my mind. and by god i started checking email. then had to change my mp3 selection. and before long, wouldn't you know it? yes. i forgot what i was going to say here. still, i should probably post.
Posted by Cold Bacon at 10:27 PM